Starting life over again after losing a child is hard, I’m just going, to be honest. I just never thought of my self as one of those people you know the kind that has lost a child. This is not a club where I ever wanted to be. So Carson and I were here in this beautiful state of Colorado with no one but each other. It was sad at first because Mason always made friends quickly, Carson was a very quiet kid, so for him more difficult. He had anxiety attacks that started up after his brother’s death, it was so sad watching him, and I couldn’t do anything I wished I could run time backward and repeat our goodbye. Love on him more say, YES to everything I had said NO to, and stopped what happened to kill him. So many things run through your mind; you just don’t know which way to turn. The first year was a complete fog.
I knew I had to take care of Carson and make things seem ok, so I did everything I could to make it feel normal. Then one day, we are sitting in the living room, and I get up to start dinner. Carson, out of nowhere, says I like the energy in this house with just us; it feels better. So apparently he was picking up on all the energy I was trying to hide. And could feel that the tension in our home was gone. It was a beginning, I was Aww struck, but at the same time, he made me feel like I was doing the right changes in our lives for him. He struggled a lot over the years, but he’s now 17 and just told me the other day what a great job I did because he never knew how strapped we were or how much I cried at night trying to keep pushing on.
What I have realized is, it’s not about death. That only took a second, so focus on the time you had together. Focus on all the fun times because I am still a mom to him. I loved that kid with my heart and soul like any mom, but I had to learn that the pain will never go away. It’s how you deal with the pain, and as you grow, the pain changes. It’s still there for me, and I even cry, but I do a lot more remembering the good and fun memories. Like him doing jumps on his new motorcycle when it still had training wheels on it just crazy stuff. He was a fantastic kid, and they never want us to stay sad. I ask my guardian angels to help me all the time. Just pray, they are always waiting. Compumatrix coming into my life was a game-changer, after my divorce I had no idea what I would do then this company fell into my lap from a friend. It gave me hope.
I hope that the future will be more fun than the past. I hope that ALL the Compumatrix families are BLESSED, and we help others. Many have lost family on this journey, and I want to send out prayers and Thanks to all of you. A big hug and thanks to Kevin B. Because he has been such a blessing. We all have so many things for which to be thankful. Just remember to be kind and love each other. We only have this time together, and then we are off and running with the big guys in heaven. I know Mason is happy up there, and I know he’s proud of me, I can feel that. Thank you, Henry, for making all of this possible.