Beginning Our New Normal

Starting life over again after losing a child is hard, I’m just going, to be honest. I just never thought of my self as one of those people you know the kind that has lost a child. This is not a club where I ever wanted to be. So Carson and I were here in this beautiful state of Colorado with no one but each other. It was sad at first because Mason always made friends quickly, Carson was a very quiet kid, so for him more difficult. He had anxiety attacks that started up after his brother’s death, it was so sad watching him, and I couldn’t do anything I wished I could run time backward and repeat our goodbye. Love on him more say, YES to everything I had said NO to, and stopped what happened to kill him. So many things run through your mind; you just don’t know which way to turn. The first year was a complete fog.

I knew I had to take care of Carson and make things seem ok, so I did everything I could to make it feel normal. Then one day, we are sitting in the living room, and I get up to start dinner. Carson, out of nowhere, says I like the energy in this house with just us; it feels better. So apparently he was picking up on all the energy I was trying to hide. And could feel that the tension in our home was gone. It was a beginning, I was Aww struck, but at the same time, he made me feel like I was doing the right changes in our lives for him. He struggled a lot over the years, but he’s now 17 and just told me the other day what a great job I did because he never knew how strapped we were or how much I cried at night trying to keep pushing on.

What I have realized is, it’s not about death. That only took a second, so focus on the time you had together. Focus on all the fun times because I am still a mom to him. I loved that kid with my heart and soul like any mom, but I had to learn that the pain will never go away. It’s how you deal with the pain, and as you grow, the pain changes. It’s still there for me, and I even cry, but I do a lot more remembering the good and fun memories. Like him doing jumps on his new motorcycle when it still had training wheels on it just crazy stuff. He was a fantastic kid, and they never want us to stay sad. I ask my guardian angels to help me all the time. Just pray, they are always waiting. Compumatrix coming into my life was a game-changer, after my divorce I had no idea what I would do then this company fell into my lap from a friend. It gave me hope.

I hope that the future will be more fun than the past. I hope that ALL the Compumatrix families are BLESSED, and we help others. Many have lost family on this journey, and I want to send out prayers and Thanks to all of you. A big hug and thanks to Kevin B. Because he has been such a blessing. We all have so many things for which to be thankful. Just remember to be kind and love each other. We only have this time together, and then we are off and running with the big guys in heaven. I know Mason is happy up there, and I know he’s proud of me, I can feel that. Thank you, Henry, for making all of this possible.

About the author

Tracy Wight is the proud mother of 4 beautiful kids. She worked with Holistic Drs in Dallas, TX before moving into Cryptocurrency. She is proud to be part of such a great Dream coming to life.

Comments

  1. Tracy, I know this had to be hard for you to write. It is hard to read without the tears streaming. Thank you for having the courage to share and the willingness to do so. I know it will help those who, too, have lost a dear child. I feel your pain, and I can only hope this helps give you the strength to put one foot in front of the other each day. Mason, I’m sure, is proud of his Mom.

    1. Thank you Gail you know we all love the time we have with our babies. Its nice to have a family to share with here. Compumatrix has become a big part of my life. I’m so happy he chose me to be his mom.

  2. I am so proud of you Tracy, for overcoming so much and for stepping up to become an Author on the Compumatrix blog! I am honored to play a small part in your recovery and your transition to your new normal. We are both fortunate to have Compumatrix in our lives because it has helped both of us to successfully start our respective new normals after multiple devastating personal losses. I like you, have to say Thank You to Henry!

    I’m so pleased to know that You know that Mason is happy up there and that he is proud of you down here! I feel the same way about my dearly departed wife, Cyndi. As we regularly discuss on the phone, counting our blessings and being consciously thankful for them is very powerful and has made a huge difference height of our emotional rebounds.

    1. I want to Thank you Kevin you’ve been the best support system ever. I am very Thankful to have you in my life. You have a huge heart and always willing to help. I know Cyndi is looking down and so proud of you. They only want the best for us.I know many have lost people, I just wanted to send prayers to everyone who needs it.

  3. Wow, what a powerful story. I cannot begin to imagine the feeling you went through during those difficult times in your life. LIfe is strange sometimes. It throws you a bunch of curveballs and then finally gives you something golden when you feel like you need it the most. I believe we are all meant to be a part of this company for a reason and soon great things will happen.

    1. Thank you Mary Rose , you are an amazing young lady. I applaud you for all the things you have overcome as well. You are such a wise little soul. Compumatrix will be a huge blessing to us all. So glad to put so many faces with names.

  4. Dear Tracy, I was very touched by your story of loss and courage. I think your greatest motivation at the time to keep going was Carson. As a loving mom, you drew strength from him to focus on the most important thing which was to keep things “normal” for him and what a great kid you raised. Congratulations and I hope Compumatrix brings the big prize we are waiting for.

    1. Thank you Aida, I loved being a mom and I had to focus on something. Carson just helped me mentally focus. I also had god in my life so I prayed a lot. I asked all those healing angels to come help me.

  5. Thank you Tracy, losing a child changes you as a person. Losing anyone ‘close’ to us is heartbreaking and yet I know that Mason chose you to be his Mum just because you would love him so much.
    I had a son in intensive car for 11 days when he was nine years old and I remember asking myself then “what would I think he he never recovered?, I would I deal with it?” I realised that I was truly grateful for the special time we had shared together and for what he had taught me in that time.
    You are amazing and Carson will always remember his special mum and the wonderful energies in the home.
    Mason will be there sharing those special times with you too x

    1. Thank you so much and I’m so glad you had a great outcome. I would never want to see anyone go through this. Someday’s it’s just too much. But you know we all grow with all we do and experience. It was hard but I made it and so happy he chose me. I know we each are chosen and it warmed my heart when you reminded me.

  6. I don’t know how I missed your post. I did not see it until I came in tonight to look for it. This is a heart-rendering post, but appreciate your positive attitude. I understand where you have been, all the what-ifs, wish I had hugged my son one more time, and all the other things we question our selves about, and where you are heading and growing stronger every day. We are blessed to be with Compumatrix and the people associated with them. I look forward to more of your blogs.

    1. Aww Thank you Carmen your so sweet. I know I was crying while writing just thinking of his beautiful little face made me so sad. He use to get up everyday and say “so how are you doing today mom?” So funny for a 10 year old to do but he was just so caring. When he passed people left their jobs his passing hit a few teachers, moved back home, a young man from the fire house couldn’t deal with it and moved back home out of state. He was just a cool kid and fun to be around.

  7. I just wanted to Thank you all for letting me share. This is a great place to be and sometimes I feel all alone with a room full of people. It’s just in my mind and I know this so I can pull myself out but when something hits so hard it knocks your breath out. It takes a few minutes to get up. But that’s the point we get up and keep going. As hard as that was it did make me stronger but it also made me softer. Again I just wanted to say Thank you to everyone!

  8. Tracy, thank you for sharing your life with us. When my mother was getting older I always prayed with her and ask the Lord to be with her and guide her home. When she passed away my sister told me she had a smile on her face. I knew that the Lord was with her. What I didn’t realize was that all of our prayers were for me also. I had such peace. The only tears were of joy, knowing that mom was home, and the Lord was with her on her journey to a home in heaven. So remember your prayers are not only for the person you are praying with, they might just be for you too. So take comfort that the Lord is always with you.

    1. I prayed a lot. a lot of begging too but in the end I guess God needed him for something special to take such a young beautiful soul. He was just a spark of sunshine in my day and I will always miss him. But god will always be with us all.

  9. Tracy, true it’s very hurtful and painful to lose a loved one. It’s beyond human control. We only leave everything in the Hands of God. Always take heart, have strength, courage and spirit. God is always with you and He will never leave you alone. We pray, that may the departed soul continue resting in peace.

    1. Thank you so much that is very kind of you. Funny you said your not alone but you do feel that you are. You just have to remember that your not. Our loved ones are very proud of all of us.

  10. what a wonderful heart filled story and glad You have found Peace thru your tribulations — Life will always put parts in front of us and how we move thru those and in my thoughts move forward always in Truth and Honor — literally was at my Parents site this morn to put new flowers — and then I find this posting — Tracy don’t know you personally but am honored to have you share your Story — thank you — rj

  11. Tracy, a very tearful true story is your big pain that you told your story to us.
    I can imagine the pain of losing your innocent child,When God calls an innocent child, His place is only Paradise.I especially pray for you that God will give you courage, strength to endure all this.Thank you for share all this to the compumatrix family,very soon something very good is going to happen.

  12. What a sad story so sorry for your loss. My in-laws lost there daughter and it was a devastating experience I knew her for many years my sister-in-law. She fell asleep driving and went across the medium and hit a semi she was 27 yrs old so young sometimes it is hard to understand but we finally figured God needed another angel in heaven.

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